Ahhh yes. Crippling self-doubt. I hear this is to be expected. But its not just the crippling self-doubt...its the swinging of moods and oscillating between mortification that I am putting myself out there, exposing my writing and opening myself up for critique and a feeling of exhilaration and expectation that something magical might happen if I do.
And then I found this word....
Vorfreude (German, n): intense, joyful anticipation derived from something desired in the future.
Yes!!! This is exactly what is driving me. This anticipation for something that I desire so much (to write and to get my writing published) is what counteracts the fear (read white knuckle terror!!!) of exposing myself. Gosh that sounds rude....like I am some kind of literary flasher. I'm not....I promise. Well at least not yet anyway!
I have always been an optimistic person, so I suppose it is just my way to see the positives in a situation. And I am fully aware that I irritate others with my joyful abandon. I was once told by a teenager I was working with (in a therapeutic capacity) that he could see through my fakery and he knew I was just being nice because I was a new worker and trying to make a good impression. He was bitterly disappointed when he realised it wasn't an act. He did however reassess me...and I was subsequently labelled a "weirdo...because its not normal to be [that] happy".
So even though its hard, and I have self-doubt....above all else I have hope. I try to instil this in others. Kindness goes such a long way. I trawl Twitter and find posts where people are expressing sadness, rejection fear...or they are celebrating an achievement. It costs me nothing to say "Keep trying", "I understand", "Congratulations". It might earn me a few strange looks, or puzzled faces as they scroll through their twitter notifications....but what if was just what they needed to hear at the right time. Why can't we build each other up, instead of cutting each other down. I would rather run my own race, a race with integrity where I am only competing with myself.
But lets make this clear...I'm not running any real races....gosh no. I'm no good at "sportsing". But man am I a good cheerleader. Maybe one day you will see that I have responded to one of your tweets...with a puzzling little pick me up, or empathic one liner. Take it for what it is, a genuine desire to see hope, build hope and keep the dream alive. And maybe you can pass this good feeling along...congratulate, commiserate with or encourage a stranger. You might just be the spark that brightens their day!
Rachel